Vacation

I’m not sure what exactly to write about the last three weeks. There would be a huge gap in this blog if I would ignore what happened, but I also don’t want to repeat what I’ve written about before. I probably should – to emphasise just how important certain things are to me, but I assume that the person concerned is fully aware of my expectations.

After saying good-bye to twentytwo a little over three weeks ago I probably went through the toughest weeks since we’ve been together. I realised how disappointed I was. For so many reasons. I realised that I had come to a point where I simply couldn’t cope anymore, where I couldn’t go on like I did before. Sometimes it only takes a comparatively small thing to trigger a reaction like this, but after everything that had happened in the past, it was just this little step further, that I simply couldn’t accept.

I spend days and days being deeply sad. Disappointed. Lethargic. Barely able to cope with my normal life. The day I moved houses I was constantly on the edge of breaking into tears. I didn’t want to eat, sleep, work or do anything else for that matter. I forced myself to be social and to spend time with my friends, but for me there was no other topic than that of my relationship, my thoughts couldn’t focus on anything else.

At some point I decided that enough is enough. From that point things got better. I was still disappointed, but sadness became anger and I slowly got my energy back. It took me days to figure out what I want and in the end I still wasn’t sure. I only knew I couldn’t go on like I did before and I couldn’t allow myself to emotionally rely on a single person again to that extent. There’s only one person that stays with me forever and that is myself. Full stop.

When I met twentytwo on the day he came back, I felt strong. I had power. Over my own life if nothing else. I can decide who I want in it or not. And under what conditions.

Relationships don’t work without some form of compromise. But they also don’t work if I sacrifice my principles. If I have a relationship it is committed and loving, his and my family are aware of it, it is D/s-oriented, respectful… it is fulfilling and happy and …

I’m afraid that twentytwo won’t make use of the chance I gave him. I’d understand why but I can’t express how disappointed I would be. I wouldn’t be able to continue, if only for the sake of self-respect. However I’m willing to continue something that is complex and will never be easy, but he has to take one step first… and that soon.

I hope he does… because since I’ve got him back, I can’t stop giggling when he fucks me. It just makes me so incredibly happy that he’s there with me. That I can look into his eyes and smile… I feel like I'm a different person. Much more balanced and stable. And giggly and happy. Because I love him.