I came back earlier from Germany especially for that day – or rather that night: Twentytwo’s birthday. I spent the day cooking, baking, decorating and making myself presentable. I was very much determined to make it a special night for us and I prepared myself to take a lot of pain. I put on his favourite maid’s uniform and tried to be well-behaved and attentive.
When I lay on the bed after dinner and he started tying me up the complaints started. Somehow it just didn’t feel right. The rope was too tight and my position too uncomfortable. I was hot and sweating underneath the PVC dress. For some reason I couldn’t get into the right headspace, even though twentytwo had sent me the beginning of a very interesting story/scenario that he wanted to act out. I always struggle a little bit with role plays as I most like to be dominated by the man I love, not by a random pimp, king, master, teacher or whatever people come up with. However I liked the story and the way he talked to me and touched my body certainly got my juices flowing.
Maybe I put myself under too much pressure, but when he actually started hitting me with various implements, I just wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t like it, it hurt and it wasn’t fun. I didn’t even feel like enduring it for the sake of his pleasure. The magic wand just brought more pain and 6 forced orgasms that I didn’t enjoy whatsoever – despite my general orgasm-addiction. I felt like the biggest failure in the world when he untied me fairly soon and told me to come into the living room after having calmed down. I curled up in the bed and gave myself some time to recover.
The moment I walked into the living room it was almost like entering a different world. I was suddenly feeling incredibly submissive and after taking a sip of water I could only kneel down with my eyes closed, not being able to speak or think. I doubt that I’ve ever given a blow-job during which my whole world only evolved around his cock before. I always love feeling his cock in my mouth, but this time it almost felt like a religious act, like something sacred. When he started fucking me I was already in some other place… Very intense sensations, no thoughts, lots of screaming, lots of orgasms.
When he was done with me I couldn’t do anything but lie on the bed and float around in my subspace, somehow wishing the feeling would never end. I didn’t mind that he left me alone after making sure I was alright, stroking my head and kissing me lightly. I drifted off into an amazingly content sleepy state until he woke me up over an hour later.
I don’t know if this evening was in any way satisfying for him, but despite the difficult start, the result was a very unusual surprise for me. Looking back I can’t tell if I really was as much of a wimp as I thought I was, or if he actually hit me quite hard. I don’t know if he intended me to cry and beg and plead and not enjoy myself at all. I can’t tell if I pleased him or not. The joys of our dynamic. I never know anything for sure and it fascinates me more than I want to admit.
Happy birthday.
Jun 26, 2010
Jun 25, 2010
Thoughts
Submission for me goes hand in hand with dependence and vulnerability. In theory it is exceptionally fulfilling to completely open myself, to allow myself to be emotionally dependent and to be vulnerable and easily hurt. I cannot submit while guarding my feelings.
On the other hand it isn’t easy to be strong despite being vulnerable. To put myself before anything or anyone else once in a while.
Now where twentytwo is on vacation, I’m realising once more how much my happiness depends on my relationship. It is a big part of my life, but it isn’t everything. Still my thoughts are mainly revolving around my partner, around twentytwo. My thoughts revolve around how much I hate this situation and how much I long for being acknowledged by The First Family. I keep thinking about how bad the timing of this vacation was and how better planning on his side could have prevented this from happening. I can’t stop wondering about how many times he will be in touch with me in the next weeks and how many times I’ll get to hear his voice. I understand that he doesn’t want to make promises he might not be able to keep. On the other hand keeping a promise might have a lot to do with the ‘right’ priorities. Not being his first priority is a reality I’m willing to accept. In theory.
My problems are my expectations. I want to get certain things out of a relationship. Love. Security. Reassurance. Sex. Fun. Happiness as the common denominator. I know that my partner isn’t there to supply me with this happiness I’m looking for. A healthy relationship and a loving partner will certainly contribute to it, but if that happiness isn’t within me, I won’t get it, simply because I’m in a relationship with someone. Especially if that someone is a dominant sadist.
Being submissive sometimes makes it impossible for me to step back, to take a look at my life from the outside. My life is absolutely fantastic, I love what I’m doing, where I’m living and with whom. I enjoy what I’m studying and I’m looking forward to a hopefully exciting future. I know all of that and I still let myself be consumed by my own emotions. I get caught up in negative thinking and I focus on everything that’s going wrong.
Submission doesn’t work without being vulnerable and relationships don’t work without being hurt. It is a challenge to be strong at the same time and to be happy despite some sort of complications. It is a challenge to accept that twentytwo isn’t as openly emotional as I am and that he deals with problems in an entirely different way. I like my love life to be a challenge, but right now it is a lot to cope with. I’m asking myself a lot of questions without finding sufficient answers.
I feel like I’ve been at this point before. A point where I wonder if my relationship brings me more tears than happiness. It is an option to walk away, but I can never walk away from myself. My emotional dependence will stay with me and anything else that is causing me issues.
And then there is love and the feeling that I’ve arrived somewhere I’d like to stay. I love twentytwo and even though love isn't always enough, I know that there is a lot that we have in common despite the obvious differences. Everything else I hope will sort itself out over time. Me being stronger and more accepting of a situation that is new and complex. Me truly coming to terms with my submission and what it does to me and my feelings, accepting it for what it is and simply dealing with it. Dealing with it in a way that doesn’t compromise my happiness in the way it does now. Him being honest with the most important people in his life, standing up for his love and doing what truly makes him happy. And maybe that is what makes US happy. Whatever that is: Happiness.
On the other hand it isn’t easy to be strong despite being vulnerable. To put myself before anything or anyone else once in a while.
Now where twentytwo is on vacation, I’m realising once more how much my happiness depends on my relationship. It is a big part of my life, but it isn’t everything. Still my thoughts are mainly revolving around my partner, around twentytwo. My thoughts revolve around how much I hate this situation and how much I long for being acknowledged by The First Family. I keep thinking about how bad the timing of this vacation was and how better planning on his side could have prevented this from happening. I can’t stop wondering about how many times he will be in touch with me in the next weeks and how many times I’ll get to hear his voice. I understand that he doesn’t want to make promises he might not be able to keep. On the other hand keeping a promise might have a lot to do with the ‘right’ priorities. Not being his first priority is a reality I’m willing to accept. In theory.
My problems are my expectations. I want to get certain things out of a relationship. Love. Security. Reassurance. Sex. Fun. Happiness as the common denominator. I know that my partner isn’t there to supply me with this happiness I’m looking for. A healthy relationship and a loving partner will certainly contribute to it, but if that happiness isn’t within me, I won’t get it, simply because I’m in a relationship with someone. Especially if that someone is a dominant sadist.
Being submissive sometimes makes it impossible for me to step back, to take a look at my life from the outside. My life is absolutely fantastic, I love what I’m doing, where I’m living and with whom. I enjoy what I’m studying and I’m looking forward to a hopefully exciting future. I know all of that and I still let myself be consumed by my own emotions. I get caught up in negative thinking and I focus on everything that’s going wrong.
Submission doesn’t work without being vulnerable and relationships don’t work without being hurt. It is a challenge to be strong at the same time and to be happy despite some sort of complications. It is a challenge to accept that twentytwo isn’t as openly emotional as I am and that he deals with problems in an entirely different way. I like my love life to be a challenge, but right now it is a lot to cope with. I’m asking myself a lot of questions without finding sufficient answers.
I feel like I’ve been at this point before. A point where I wonder if my relationship brings me more tears than happiness. It is an option to walk away, but I can never walk away from myself. My emotional dependence will stay with me and anything else that is causing me issues.
And then there is love and the feeling that I’ve arrived somewhere I’d like to stay. I love twentytwo and even though love isn't always enough, I know that there is a lot that we have in common despite the obvious differences. Everything else I hope will sort itself out over time. Me being stronger and more accepting of a situation that is new and complex. Me truly coming to terms with my submission and what it does to me and my feelings, accepting it for what it is and simply dealing with it. Dealing with it in a way that doesn’t compromise my happiness in the way it does now. Him being honest with the most important people in his life, standing up for his love and doing what truly makes him happy. And maybe that is what makes US happy. Whatever that is: Happiness.
Jun 11, 2010
He beats our daughter!
Something on those lines must have been part of my parent’s thoughts when they met twentytwo. To my surprise they neither started a conversation about kink, nor did they make embarrassing remarks about their own sexual preferences. If this was simply due to a lack of vocabulary in that area or general politeness I can’t tell. I only know that I’m proud of them for so many reasons.
They met twentytwo without making a lot of fuss about it. Yes, initially my dad had refused to meet him, but he quickly changed his mind. (Thanks, mum)
They were absolutely lovely and cute and concerned about making a good impression. My dad even asked me in advance for some words in English that he thought would be useful for having a conversation.
They made me feel incredibly loved and accepted. It must have been a big step for them to meet ‘the boyfriend’ who is only marginally younger than they are. Who has a past they know about and that has caused me some distress in the past. They know (roughly) what we are into and I’m sure it took some effort not to imagine their daughter being beaten and abused by the relatively sane looking man sitting next to her.
This man made me really happy when he agreed to meet my parents and I think he did a great job trying to understand my parent’s school English, looking at my mum’s (nice but rather boring) pictures and letting her try his Béarnaise sauce.
I was surprised that the whole situation wasn’t as weird as I expected it to be. I thought it would be more than strange to see my dad and twentytwo in the same room. To see my ‘Papa’ and my Daddy chatting to each other. To look at my mum and twentytwo and to think that they would be a nice couple as well. Obviously it was a bit awkward, but on the whole the evening left me with a very happy feeling about my amazingly tolerant parents and a boyfriend that cares enough about me to meet ‘The Germans’.
They met twentytwo without making a lot of fuss about it. Yes, initially my dad had refused to meet him, but he quickly changed his mind. (Thanks, mum)
They were absolutely lovely and cute and concerned about making a good impression. My dad even asked me in advance for some words in English that he thought would be useful for having a conversation.
They made me feel incredibly loved and accepted. It must have been a big step for them to meet ‘the boyfriend’ who is only marginally younger than they are. Who has a past they know about and that has caused me some distress in the past. They know (roughly) what we are into and I’m sure it took some effort not to imagine their daughter being beaten and abused by the relatively sane looking man sitting next to her.
This man made me really happy when he agreed to meet my parents and I think he did a great job trying to understand my parent’s school English, looking at my mum’s (nice but rather boring) pictures and letting her try his Béarnaise sauce.
I was surprised that the whole situation wasn’t as weird as I expected it to be. I thought it would be more than strange to see my dad and twentytwo in the same room. To see my ‘Papa’ and my Daddy chatting to each other. To look at my mum and twentytwo and to think that they would be a nice couple as well. Obviously it was a bit awkward, but on the whole the evening left me with a very happy feeling about my amazingly tolerant parents and a boyfriend that cares enough about me to meet ‘The Germans’.
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