The caning

Twentytwo and I had agreed that pain wouldn't be used as a punishment anymore, that it would be dished out for his or for our mutual pleasure. I thought that a positive & rewarding approach to D/s suited me more than the punitive. I'm convinced that being told that I'm a good girl after doing something well has a greater impact than having beaten the hell out of me. I enjoy pleasing the man I love. It's also more uplifting and and more likely to make me happy in the long term.

Nevertheless we've got our routines, a familiar approach to play, a certain dynamic. I was convinced that I could just turn that around. Twentytwo had agreed to give this approach a try and he surprised me when he actually followed through with it. Not because I think he wouldn't listen to my request, but because I simply couldn't see him abandoning a part of play that seemed incredibly important to him and that I thought would leave him unsatisfied if he didn't get it. But he seemed very happy with what we did over the weekend. And I felt like a very lucky girl.

Until today, shortly before leaving for the airport. I tidied away the magic wand and while looking at our kit it struck me that no rope, no handcuffs and nothing that could have seriously hurt me had touched my body all weekend. I knew that the overwhelming feeling of sadness was mostly due to me having to leave, but there was also something else. Suddenly I started doubting that he had enjoyed himself, I wondered if I had denied him his pleasure, if he'd been doing this just to make me happy. While in theory I would have loved him all the more for that it just didn't feel right.

I've never been the one to feel like a slave to twentytwo. My own pleasure always mattered as much as his. For me this doesn't conflict with the deep feelings of love and submission I have for him. It only means that I think my opinion counts as much as his does, he isn't worth more than me. I'd say I believe in "informed, independent, yet infinite submission".

That's why it surprised me even more when I realised that I hadn't been punished for the two orgasms I had without permission. Normally that would have mean 200 strokes with the thin cane I hate so much. It would have meant me begging him to stop, trying to deal as best as I could with the pain and be left as a crying mess. Before being comforted of course. I really hate the cane and it depends on many different things how I actually handle the pain. But it's nothing I'd ever do voluntarily. Or so I thought.

I had great trouble pointing out to twentytwo that the lack of punishment was actually bothering me. Firstly I don't like to backtrack on what I said (and which I still believe in) and secondly I don't like having to ask for something or sound like I'm criticising.

I was so glad that he only laughed for a second while stroking my face and telling me that I'm a funny girl. Then he put me over his knee. I was struggling with the concept of him spanking me because I had asked for pain. Again, it didn't feel right. Luckily I bit my tongue and didn't complain. I tried to accept that he was giving me what I longed for and that he would never do it if he wouldn't want to be doing it. Sometimes I forget that.

I ended up with 20 hard strokes instead of 200 because we were running late, but he still took his time for a warm-up and a good cuddle afterwards. I can't recall all the instances when he has caned me in the past, but I believe that this was probably the one I enjoyed most. I craved the pain, but first and foremost I craved doing something that I knew would please him. That wouldn't be for my pleasure, but for his. Giving me pleasure in this funny little way that is unique to kink.

I still felt incredibly sad for having to leave, but I didn't feel like we forgot something. Like it wasn't complete. I'm still not sure about the concept of being punished, but being caned for the orgasms without permission is so engrained into our dynamic, that I will ask twentytwo to include it in my new protocol. I will also emphasise how much I actually enjoy him taking what he wants. It's a pleasure that I knew existed, but I didn't realise how much it meant to me.

This is partly due to the circumstances of our relationship, being long-distance and only having very few weekends together that enable us to truly live our D/s dynamic. It's hard enough for me to switch into that particular mindset after being on my own in a different country for a few weeks. But if I am, I want to make the most out of it. And more importantly, I want to give him the opportunity to make the most out of me. And that includes a caning when I deserve it.