Thoughts

Submission for me goes hand in hand with dependence and vulnerability. In theory it is exceptionally fulfilling to completely open myself, to allow myself to be emotionally dependent and to be vulnerable and easily hurt. I cannot submit while guarding my feelings.

On the other hand it isn’t easy to be strong despite being vulnerable. To put myself before anything or anyone else once in a while.

Now where twentytwo is on vacation, I’m realising once more how much my happiness depends on my relationship. It is a big part of my life, but it isn’t everything. Still my thoughts are mainly revolving around my partner, around twentytwo. My thoughts revolve around how much I hate this situation and how much I long for being acknowledged by The First Family. I keep thinking about how bad the timing of this vacation was and how better planning on his side could have prevented this from happening. I can’t stop wondering about how many times he will be in touch with me in the next weeks and how many times I’ll get to hear his voice. I understand that he doesn’t want to make promises he might not be able to keep. On the other hand keeping a promise might have a lot to do with the ‘right’ priorities. Not being his first priority is a reality I’m willing to accept. In theory.

My problems are my expectations. I want to get certain things out of a relationship. Love. Security. Reassurance. Sex. Fun. Happiness as the common denominator. I know that my partner isn’t there to supply me with this happiness I’m looking for. A healthy relationship and a loving partner will certainly contribute to it, but if that happiness isn’t within me, I won’t get it, simply because I’m in a relationship with someone. Especially if that someone is a dominant sadist.

Being submissive sometimes makes it impossible for me to step back, to take a look at my life from the outside. My life is absolutely fantastic, I love what I’m doing, where I’m living and with whom. I enjoy what I’m studying and I’m looking forward to a hopefully exciting future. I know all of that and I still let myself be consumed by my own emotions. I get caught up in negative thinking and I focus on everything that’s going wrong.

Submission doesn’t work without being vulnerable and relationships don’t work without being hurt. It is a challenge to be strong at the same time and to be happy despite some sort of complications. It is a challenge to accept that twentytwo isn’t as openly emotional as I am and that he deals with problems in an entirely different way. I like my love life to be a challenge, but right now it is a lot to cope with. I’m asking myself a lot of questions without finding sufficient answers.

I feel like I’ve been at this point before. A point where I wonder if my relationship brings me more tears than happiness. It is an option to walk away, but I can never walk away from myself. My emotional dependence will stay with me and anything else that is causing me issues.

And then there is love and the feeling that I’ve arrived somewhere I’d like to stay. I love twentytwo and even though love isn't always enough, I know that there is a lot that we have in common despite the obvious differences. Everything else I hope will sort itself out over time. Me being stronger and more accepting of a situation that is new and complex. Me truly coming to terms with my submission and what it does to me and my feelings, accepting it for what it is and simply dealing with it. Dealing with it in a way that doesn’t compromise my happiness in the way it does now. Him being honest with the most important people in his life, standing up for his love and doing what truly makes him happy. And maybe that is what makes US happy. Whatever that is: Happiness.